To Be Or Not To Be

Ever since Im here at IIT Kanpur, I have been doing things which I had never done in my life. Now Im always troubled when I think if this is right to do or not. Should I be the same what I was before or should I not be the same and change as I change?
I have started abusing, never serious like most of the guys here, diverted my mind from studies,

But the thing that troubles me most is that I have grudges against myself. I have grudges against Saurabh.
Saurabh you were one of the most decent guy in the college. Always studious. Never involved in any kind of damn activities. You spoke less. Always shy. But you have changed now. The very thing that constituted Saurabh is not there. May be the change is on positive side. You may justify that you ought to do these things to learn to live in this world. But the grudge is that you have changed.


Now I don't know that whether I be the same that I was or I should change? Im unable to decide which way to choose.This leaves me in a state sinosudally varrying between these two. And as usual, what I had expected from me, I end up putting myself in great mess. Always perplexed, oscillating between the two thoughts, unable to take the decision. Im not sure which of the above thought constitutes me and this leads me to the conclusion that surely this confusion constitutes me.

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calmity of so long life;
    --- Hamlet, Shakespeare

About me......

Im not sure whether I think this or not.But there r some thngs that I feel like.

"Have to try accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can. And I have been fighting, still am, but am getting so tired of it, of myself. Thinking just get over it, busy with a million things to make other people happy, smile and laugh, trying to forget about myself.
Fear for intimicy and rejection. I've wasted enough years, by fighting as well as running from it.
I will have to find a way to accept myself as I am, all of me. But I've known that for years. I know where it comes from, I know what to do about it, just not how to deal with it. "

this is the 1 i got from psycology community. lingerring to it 2 much these days. to know what ppl think about me from that thread.
IIT Kanpur has taught me somethings that were not known to me earlier. One of which is to have fun i.e. masti marna in Aman's language. Another thing is to hava my say in a matter, put forward my views on subjects of open discussions